2010: it can only get better from here.

January ended with with me getting dumped, mugged, and poisoned. Seriously.
Exhibit A.
My 3 year relationship ended, or since we are staying friends- we had a change-up rather than a break-up. I know what you're thinking; "suuuuure you can stay friends. You have fun with that". Here's how I break it down based on the "what won't kill you makes you laugh later" strategy:

1. He wasn't putting out that much anyway, so no real difference.
2. You don't throw away a friendship when you are in the middle of a break-up(you need all the drinking buddies you can get).
3. When he starts dating again, I can tell myself: "she may be a one-night-stand, but I still get to eat large amounts of dim sum with him". And he pays the bill.
4. When I start dating again, (read: rebound fucking) I can look forward to that really special 10 that knows what he's doing or that 8 that is good enough to go back for seconds with.

See! 4 great pros out of what first seemed like a con. Actually, looking back it was a con-3 years spent thinking this was going somewhere and now... joking. Joking!

Now on to exhibit B: the Mugging
Regardless of how exactly it happened, what is important here is not what I lost-purse, wallet(I own a small business so there was no money in my wallet), sense of security; but rather what the mugger gained. For you, the reader and the Seattle police department, a short itemized list:

1. my traveling tooth brush. Yes, a used green toothbrush in a plastic case.
2. half a packet of birth control. Dear crack head's girlfriend, please note you must take one a day at the same time everyday for it to be effective.
3. a staple gun-sans staples. (I was taking it with me so I could get the right gauge).
4. my favorite tape measure. Yes, I am STILL pissed about that one.
5. LG phone charger that only worked half the time with MY phone, good luck to you mugger since they only make phone chargers compatible with the phone it comes in the box with!

As you can see, the poor mugger had a far worse day after he mugged me than I did. No doubt after rifling through my purse he cursed this lame economy and decided to get a job at the only place still making money these days: Verizon.

Exhibit C: food poisoning.
If it has happened to you, you don't need the grueling details. If it hasn't happened to you, you haven't eaten at the Jalisco Bravo on w. 48th st.
There is really no upside or funny side to food poisoning. It is horrible and not humorous in any way.

Okay! That's all for now. I hope my cynically tinged optimism makes you feel a tad better about your own sad state. Happy thought of the day: I have all ten toes.