Friday, April 13, 2012

One Day This Will Be Funny


Laugh, not cry. One day this will be funny.
I keep chanting that in my head. The scooter broke down, I broke my ankle, and today as I was trying to get out of the bathtub with one foot and some secondhand crutches-I fell and chipped my front tooth. I look like Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber.
One day this will be funny.
Until then, I plan on getting drunk with my best friend-the salt to my pepper. I plan on letting the dog lay on me all day on the couch. I plan on sending flirty texts to my Partner in Crime that well, I may be falling apart-but my vagina is still working(maybe not in those exact words).
One day this will be funny. But today I will get drunk. Please don't judge.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Choose Your Own Adventure


I broke my ankle.
And that's not the worst part.
I don't even have a good story about how it happened. So, here's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" list so my mundane injury will not seem so embarrassingly lame(pun intended).
A.) While scaling a rickety metal fire escape in 6" heels to rescue a Labrador/terrier mix from a burning building, I successfully rescued Captain Kirk, and it wasn't until my return trek up to help a small box turtle in a lovely vintage terrarium that my heel got caught in one of the slats of fire escape. I wrenched my leg free and saved Tim Jr. It wasn't until the adrenaline slowed half an hour later when I, and half the Austin fire department were having a beer at the local tavern, that I noticed that my ankle was at a skewed angle, mottled in Seattle sky shade bruises. I had indeed received an injury for my heroic deeds.
B.) It was a Wednesday evening, fully dull and meaningless with it's extra "d". Sitting there thinking that life is short and time moves fast I grabbed all the cash in my couch cushions and made a brake for the nearest train tracks. That's the Texas B line where I'm at, and readily I waited for that tremor from the rails and the sheer violent shriek of the whistle to signal my ride to the unknown was approaching. Soon enough that train sped closer, closer, with steal nerves and heroic trepidation I ran parallel to the ore plated serpent until with a deft grab I hauled myself and my pocket of cash aboard. I rode rail through sunset southern ranges, gambled on over maize-filled Mexican fields, skirted sea and surf with only a slivered moon's illumination. Come 5am I determined it was time to head back in time for work at 9, so I cartwheeled off and shimmied up the next clinking caravan heading north. Dawn broke with promise over fields of those famous Texas Poppies-red heads bobbing in the breeze. As I neared my destination I readied for the jump that was to come-somersaulting down an embankment and arriving with not but a tumbleweed hair net to show for it. If I hadn't tripped on that empty bottle of Lone Star on my way up the embankment, no one would have been the wiser-except for me, having learned that Poppies purse their lips to the night, something you find out on midnight train rides.
C.) I owed $500 large to the Austin Mafia and was late on a payment.
Well, hope that gave you some good options as to how I broke my ankle. Remember kids, when you "Choose Your Own Adventure" your risk is your reward.