One Day This Will Be Funny

Laugh, not cry. One day this will be funny.

I keep chanting that in my head. The scooter broke down, I broke my ankle, and today as I was trying to get out of the bathtub with one foot and some secondhand crutches-I fell and chipped my front tooth. I look like Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber.

One day this will be funny.

Until then, I plan on getting drunk with my best friend-the salt to my pepper. I plan on letting the dog lay on me all day on the couch. I plan on sending flirty texts to my Partner in Crime that well, I may be falling apart-but my vagina is still working(maybe not in those exact words).

One day this will be funny. But today I will get drunk. Please don't judge.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I broke my ankle.

And that's not the worst part.

I don't even have a good story about how it happened. So, here's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" list so my mundane injury will not seem so embarrassingly lame(pun intended).

A.) While scaling a rickety metal fire escape in 6" heels to rescue a Labrador/terrier mix from a burning building, I successfully rescued Captain Kirk, and it wasn't until my return trek up to help a small box turtle in a lovely vintage terrarium that my heel got caught in one of the slats of fire escape. I wrenched my leg free and saved Tim Jr. It wasn't until the adrenaline slowed half an hour later when I, and half the Austin fire department were having a beer at the local tavern, that I noticed that my ankle was at a skewed angle, mottled in Seattle sky shade bruises. I had indeed received an injury for my heroic deeds.

B.) It was a Wednesday evening, fully dull and meaningless with it's extra "d". Sitting there thinking that life is short and time moves fast I grabbed all the cash in my couch cushions and made a brake for the nearest train tracks. That's the Texas B line where I'm at, and readily I waited for that tremor from the rails and the sheer violent shriek of the whistle to signal my ride to the unknown was approaching. Soon enough that train sped closer, closer, with steal nerves and heroic trepidation I ran parallel to the ore plated serpent until with a deft grab I hauled myself and my pocket of cash aboard. I rode rail through sunset southern ranges, gambled on over maize-filled Mexican fields, skirted sea and surf with only a slivered moon's illumination. Come 5am I determined it was time to head back in time for work at 9, so I cartwheeled off and shimmied up the next clinking caravan heading north. Dawn broke with promise over fields of those famous Texas Poppies-red heads bobbing in the breeze. As I neared my destination I readied for the jump that was to come-somersaulting down an embankment and arriving with not but a tumbleweed hair net to show for it. If I hadn't tripped on that empty bottle of Lone Star on my way up the embankment, no one would have been the wiser-except for me, having learned that Poppies purse their lips to the night, something you find out on midnight train rides.

C.) I owed $500 large to the Austin Mafia and was late on a payment.

Well, hope that gave you some good options as to how I broke my ankle. Remember kids, when you "Choose Your Own Adventure" your risk is your reward.

No Good Deed, EVER AGAIN

So much has happened since my last post, but as this blog is simply a site for people to read when they have nothing better to do-and judging from last year's popularity of Honey Badger on Youtube, and this month's obsession with The Hunger Games-I am sure it has not been missed by the vast majority.

Ahem.

I was recently sharply schooled in the old adage: "No good deed goes unpunished".

I received by post a very imposing and official declaration that I have been charged CRIMINALLY and there has been a warrant posted for my arrest. Having been expecting "Thank You" cards from my Nieces, not only was I disappointed, but I was thoroughly annoyed at the candor in which the word CRIMINAL was being bandied about. A diligent sift through the sordid decree led me only to a case number I could reference when filing my plea of guilty or not guilty. I take offence to this since I make it a personal vendetta against the Catholic Church never to feel guilt and, secondly, had I committed a crime I detest that the first thing I would feel about it-having been caught-would be guilt! Ha! Far from it! Judging from the government systems I see running day-to-day I take it as a matter of hurt pride that they could have found me out in a crime that undoubtedly I SHOULD have been deft enough to hide! So, the letter should read- "Check one and return with proper postage(circa 2012 that's about $3.15) -"Responsible" or "Not" for ______________ criminal trespass.

It wasn't until I called and went through 2 different Marilyn's and a Jen that I found out what they were wanting me to feel guilty about.

Parking in a handicap stall.

NOW! Before you start judging me and touting how SHAME is the box I should check-let me first describe the circumstance to which I received this citation.

7 months ago-Texas law enforcement is obviously working at a southern draaaaawl-I had recently moved to Austin from Europe and drove my small scooter up to the grocery store to get some bare move in basics(sponges, hand soap, everything to make guacamole). This grocer is quite busy at all times and there is never enough parking for everyone. Knowing this, I did not want to take up an entire parking space for my minuscule moped so I parked in the hash marks between rows-NOT STALLS-rows. I was squeezed in between 2-3 shopping carts and one of those plastic buggy cars for kids that also has a grocery basket on it for children that can't make it through one of the most colorful and wildly displayed places in the world without entertainment. Definitely no room here for a full size van with a wheelchair capacity. Neither was it anywhere NEAR a handicap stall that a poor 90year old abuelita would need as she made a quick stop for New Flaming Hot Gruyere Cheetos.

In trying to save more car space for all those Ford F 1-50 Texas Edition trucks, I committed a crime so heinous as to incite CRIMINAL charges and a WARRANT for my ARREST.

Needless to say, the only sure thing to do is walk everywhere and never open my mail again.

TXMas 2010

"It you're real good, mind your momma, eat your vegetables and go to church on Sunday, when you die you will go to TEXAS".

That was printed on an old vintage t-shirt in a small little shop in S. Congress that I stumbled into with my friends on a recent visit down south. I gotta agree. Between the "ghetto quiles" with hash browns instead of tortillas-and the amazing tacos from Taco Deli, from the brisket bbq to the 82deg. 2am beer drinking on the back porch, Texas was pretty heavenly.

With only 3 and a half days to eat, drink, and take in the heat, I soaked in cicadas and dove chirping and cooing to the tune of 362 lost nights spent in Seattle: bundled inside drinking hot tea trying to make the most of a 5odeg. rainy evening. The spices, citrus, salsas and scents permeate more than the food, engaging you in a way you forgot possible when it takes 5***** star curry to wake you from your coffee/gray day comma.

The heat! You sweat and your muscles finally relax, beer and sweet tea is MANDATORY since you have to stay hydrated after all. I found myself going into shock as the tension literally melted away walking from the pools at McKinney Falls to the car-my shoulders, jaw, back finally let go of all the cold, work and pressure that crushes down on you when you live, as any Seattlite does, on the inside of a ping pong ball.

All this said, when I stop craving TexMex, brisket, and potato salad, I will feel really fortunate that good Thai food and great Sushi is around the corner. That a fantastic cup of coffee can be carried into one of a dozen used bookstores brimming with finds-fiction and non. That I don't need air conditioning in the music venue hosting the Fruit Bats that the night before carried Peaches on their stage and at one time or another has been graced by so many of the amazing musicians that come straight out of Seattle's heart. That Seattle has one, maybe not as big as Austin, but then again, everything is bigger in Texas-but we can visit and that about makes the 362 days just about bearable for this Seattlelite.

The MEN

A few months back, Esquire published an amazing article called "the Women I Know". A list of all the women in the Author's life. Well, damn straight. It is good to reflect on the opposite sex's role in your life. Here's my list of MEN.

Rick. My dad and a caveman. Andy. true genius. Matt. computer-lover, slightly depraved. Jerry. lamp builder, dreamer. Mark. always a great source for stories or true heartfelt conversations over brunch. Onur. the love of my life, best friend, savior, and lots else. Matt. brother and knows the difference between Tatooine and Hoth, and taught me what it was. Damir. Troubled and sweet, a real jokester. Scott. Stronger than he knows, always aware of when a girl needs a bit of bubbly. Tyson. nobody loves Tom Hanks like we do. Tim. Tres bien my own Bill Murray. Clem. About 104 years old, and still comes to every party thrown at the shop. Alex. The only artist that I know that will one day make millions. Don. Grandfather, the one who taught me how to splice electrical cords. Ryan. friend, over beers or coffee, the only hedonist I know. Brian. band sensation and bar tending colleague. Jay. funnier, sweeter, & smarter than I thought. Furkan. so in his head that sometimes he misses out on some pretty great stuff. Ted. pretty impressive entrepreneur, and I hear, tennis player. Deniz. a man to have on your team. Cody. Brief but a kick. Doug. gives the best advice. Jason. takes care of Doug as much as he knows how. Ryan. Amazing photographer, possibly better with food. Rob. loves Emily. David. Makes pretty things, and takes ladies along for the ride on silly fun nights. Eric. my favorite neighbor of all time. Ian. can't get it together. Kyler. summer of 2009, sketching in our notebooks and laying in the sun. Frank. model and super sweet man. Casey. Ended up exactly where he should. George. Favorite barista, your move to Hawaii is a bummer for us all. Nick. Had a baby. Tom. a hoot and my Southern Belle. Jim. the only Uncle I give a damn about. Dan. a lazy sleaze-ball. Ron. owner of the Big House and friend to all dogs. Spencer. Sarcastic and too cool for me, but it makes me want to be his friend even worse. Phillip. a flirt. Tyson. my kindergarten crush. Honest Jon. my tattoo artist. Matt. the husband of my Sister.

And yet, I'm single. Go figure.

For Good Reason

Here is a list, a list of some things I know to be good, real, worthy, and interesting. I post this list because I feel lately-maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the city-whatever it is, is distracting us, ME, from these things. The things that matter.

1. work ethic. Not trying to be Capitalist here, just that when you are sad, down, out or distant-working, and working HARD will get you to pass through that time with dignity.

2. friends. The true ones. The ones that you have sat on curbs for, waiting to make sure they get home ok. The ones you can rant and rave to and the next day they forget about it. The ones that don't offer advice beyond: so, another beer? The ones that make you laugh so hard you think about it later and giggle.

3. the outdoors. Being in the trees, on the beach, in the desert- it is a reset. It calms you. It can cure you if you let it. Just go and be quiet in it. Don't hike, ski, paddle, drive. Don't bring anyone. Especially your cell phone.

4. green food. Asparagus, spicy green beans, barley green pot-stickers from Shanghai Gardens, guacamole, split pea soup. Trust me.

5. Manners. Basic table manners, social graces including introducing one person to another, poise in public settings. They are there not for others, but for YOU. They make you look good, sure, but they also give you POWER.

Here is one more list: a list of what happens when you don't value these things.

1. Work ethic. No work ethic makes you LAZY. You aren't really hurting anything, but you aren't doing anything either. You show up, but you aren't present. If you want to surprise yourself, it won't happen watching hulu.

2. Friends. Don't ditch them for new boyfriends or girlfriends. Don't make them last on your list. It isn't the down times you want to be able to call them up for-it's the victory drinks you want them to share with you. Ditch them now-don't expect them to cheers with you over a pitcher later.

3. Outdoors. Noise, movement, time lines, deadlines, twitter, facebook, email- trust me. They will be there when you come back from your afternoon in the Oregon rainforest. And people will still be posting that they are "going to the grocery store for a frozen chicken pot pie" or that their cat just swallowed a marble.

4. Green food. Yellow foods: pasta, cheese, chips, the list goes on if you get my drift. What I'm saying here is, once in a while, your mom was right, green foods do what green foods are supposed to- make you smarter, more vibrant, they make your skin nicer, sure they may make your pee smell weird, but why are you smelling your pee? Flush, wash hands and move on. P.S. They do great things for endurance and the libido. Just a thought.

5. Manners. ALL YOU SEATTLITES who think you can go to the ballet in your NorthFace jackets and Crocs, YOU MAKE ME SICK! Think how long those ballerinas spent forming their bodies into perfect instruments for your viewing pleasure and you can't even put on a real pair of shoes?!? Also, the next time someone doesn't hold a door for the person right behind them-I hope you slip on the wet mat outside and drop all your grocery bags- unveiling to the world that you buy 24oz cans of BudLight, are stocking up on athlete's foot lotion, and that you read Dianne Steele novels.

CasiNO?

I have a confession. I make snap decisions. I am a bit judgmental and at times quick to disregard people, places, items of clothing... completely out of hand. That said, I can usually be won over and then experience the unexpected delight of enjoying something or someone I never thought I would.
What am I referring to here? The casino.

I HATE CASINOS! They are filthy, aesthetically void, full of zombies pulling levers and staring at flashing lights in the hope that their pathetic lives will be changed-all with not having to get up off their #$%es! It's dark for a reason, the place smells like cigarettes smoked in 1994. The food-well I wouldn't know since I was too scared to order any. The drinks are uncultivated-just like all the people there. The clothes-the CLOTHES! Are pathetically ragged, dirty, or otherwise black leather fringe-covered. I could go on, and you know it.

Until yesterday I had never stepped foot in a casino. Never cared to. Never been to Vegas, never cared to. I'm Woody Allen-not Heidi Montag. All that said, 30 minutes at the craps table with my best friend was enough to convince me that though it is disgusting and you need serious hand-sanitizer, it's also kind of silly fun.

The rules: um...not all too sure but there is a lot of putting red, white or green plastic circles on a table with numbers on it, rolling dice REALLY hard at the back of a long table and hoping to God no one rolls a 7. Why was this fun? Because my best friend who is not a gambler and has maybe been to a casino 4-5 times was humming with excitement, giggling, laughing, smiling and otherwise totally into the whole experience. We had $100 to lose, and in 20minutes had made about $50. But in the end we lost the whole $100. Sad? Not really. Sure it's silly to throw a Benjamin out on a table and not have any return, but the return was on his face. In his eyes, so sparkly and smiling-we were kids! It was reckless, irresponsible, and down right white trash(believe me, if you knew where I grew up, you wouldn't doubt I know what it looks like), but it was about an hour and it got our hearts racing enough to make the Chinese food we ate half an hour later-not at the casino-feel less artery blocking.

The moral of the story; even the worst has an ounce of the best. You just have to stop judging long enough to see it.

...that said, I think that was enough casino-slumming it for a life-time. :)